Grief and Dean Winchester the Beagle

June 20, 2018

Grief and Dean Winchester the Beagle

Last year my father got prostate cancer (I found out through a message on Facebook from one of his neighbors in Kentucky) and within a few weeks he was gone. I was glad he was not suffering anymore but I was left numb and confused and missing a piece of me. Two months after I lost my dad, my beloved dog Gabriel (a true angel rescued off the streets of Mexico by Karma Rescue) passed away from nerve cancer. I was heartbroken, my 13 year old beagle girl Natacha was sad. I knew in my heart I wasn't ready to love another dog, but I knew Natacha needed a friend before she went into a depression over losing Gabriel, her best friend of 9 years. I had to go back to Kentucky to help take care of my dad's belongings and to bring my dad's ashes back home to LA (in a box stuffed under my airplane seat). I landed Monday night and drove an hour Tuesday night right after work to meet a potential new dog, a 12 year old beagle rescued from a high kill shelter by Karma Rescue.

And that is when Dean Winchester the beagle entered my life. In true beagle fashion, he was so fascinated by all the smells in the greeting room at the BFLA no kill facility and by not being in a cage, it took him a good 10 minutes to realize I was in the room. Even then he gave me only a glance like hey what are you in here for and then jumped up on a bench in the room and proceeded to see if he could climb out a window over the bench. He was very independent, even for a beagle, and I wonder when and if he had been a real part of a family.

Despite his lackluster reception and his epic fail with the cats (I have 4) at the facility (they hissed and he sang them the song of his beagle ancestors) something made me decide to take him home (like the fictional Dean Winchester, Dean the beagle is rather handsome and I''ve always been good at identifying my "tribe" whether they are human or animals). As a long time Supernatural fan and card carrying "Dean Girl" I decided to change his name from "Danny" to "Dean". While I filled out the adoption paperwork, Eye of the Tiger came on the radio at the facility confirming that he was indeed my "Dean". True Supernatural fans will recognize this as Dean Winchester's theme song - and that was the Universe's way of saying you got yourself a beagle lady - don't fight it.

The resemblance is uncanny

11 months later, I can see the true blessing Dean is. He makes me laugh when he stands on my dining room table and howls when he wants to go outside, when he skips when he walks, when he is curious about everything and everyone. He is friendly, kind and happy. He is such a momma's boy I can barely remember the dog who paid me no attention the day we met. He taught me to laugh again, when I was sure I would never make my way through the grief and the numbness of losing my father.

This past weekend when my first feeling Father's Day happened (last year I was so numb from my dad's death in May I didn't notice Father's Day in June or my dad's birthday in August) it was Dean who snuggled on the couch with me as I binged watched Supernatural until I had made it through it. Dean knew what I needed most, I needed to be comforted and snuggled without condition or judgement, to be loved unconditionally in all my open vulnerable messiness.

The 1st anniversary of my dad's death and now Father's Day behind me, I feel like I am more myself again. The me before my world changed. Before a facebook message made me scared of text messages and phone calls and of falling asleep least I'd wake up to more loss I couldn't control. I'm more the girl who loves to write and dance and listen to music and watch hours of horror movies (good or bad).

Thank you my beagle boy who showed me how to be myself again just by being you. Carry on my wayward son - wherever you go, I'll be there right beside you. #Deangirl for life.